Why Do We Lie?

    How many times have you lied today?

    The most commonly accepted research suggests that people lie an average of zero to two times a day. Some studies propose that that number is much higher, even up to 15 times a day! The reason that these numbers are so wildly different is because it is thought that there is a group of outliers (possibly those with personality disorders such as antisocial personality disorder) that lie multiple times a day.

    The APA Dictionary of Psychology defines a lie as "a false statement or a false presentation, known to be untrue, that is made with the intention to deceive." With this definition in mind, why do we lie?

 

Motives for Lying

 There are plenty of reasons people lie. A person may lie to:

1.  Avoid their own punishment or to protect someone else from being punished.
2.  Protect themselves or others from being physically harmed. 
3.  Obtain a reward that they would otherwise not be able to obtain.
4.  Win admiration from others.
5.  Avoid embarrassment.
6.  Get out of an awkward situation.
7.  Maintain privacy.
8.  Exercise power over others.

 

  "Lying is such a central characteristic of life that better understanding of it is relevant to almost all human affairs." Paul Ekman

 

     Lie vs. Fib

    I'm sure that we have all had a moment where we thought, "It's not a lie, I'll just tell a little fib. A fib never hurt anyone!" Is a fib different than a lie? 

    The University of Rochester Medical Center defines a fib as a "minor evasion told to avoid hurting someone's feelings or to avoid conflict." They are also referred to as "white lies" or "prosocial lies." Fibs are usually harmless, meant to preserve a relationship by telling a lie. Typically, people see fibs as acceptable and sometimes even desirable or expected in some situations.

 

    Times You Should (Maybe) Tell a Lie

     As most of us have experienced, there are situations where it may be better to lie. Maybe you meet with a friend for lunch and your friend got a new haircut that you don't really like. They ask you your opinion on the haircut. You don't want to hurt your friend's feelings... they are going to have to live with this haircut until it grows out, and they are asking you, a trusted friend, for your opinion. It almost feels like there is no other option than lying.

    Time Magazine made a list of situations where a relationship might benefit more from a lie:

1. Having someone's best interests at heart -- Well-intentioned lies can build trust in a relationship. There are times where people care more about good intentions than dishonesty.
2.  Right before a special occasion -- Ask yourself, "Will telling the truth right now help or hurt?"
3.  If there is no time to change -- If there is nothing a person can do about a situation in the moment, it might be best to lie; however, if there is time for the person to change the situation, it is best to tell the truth.
4.  If you aren't close to the person -- If you do not have a close relationship with a person, it may be worth it to lie or omit details to avoid having to tell a longer story.
5. Giving constructive criticism -- In this situation, you might have to tell the truth with a twist. Sugar-coating the truth can be very helpful when sharing feedback.

 

    How to be More Honest

 

    If you are someone who wants to be more honest, there are ways to accomplish this. Maybe you have anxiety and are a "panic-liar," someone who doesn't mean to lie but does because it's a learned reaction. Maybe you want to seem more interesting or funny than you really are.

     The main influence on why people lie is the relationship between lying and self-esteem. People who lie more often tend to have lower self-esteem. Most lies related to self-esteem are told to impress and/or please others and to tell people what they want to hear.

    When self-esteem is higher, people tend to lie less often. They no longer feel like there is a need to lie to impress others or lie to avoid conflict. They will feel more comfortable with themselves, allowing them to be more confident in conversations with others.

 

    My Personal Thoughts and Feelings 

    I'm a therapist, I should have my life all figured out, right? Nope. I may know what to do but even I struggle with putting the things I know into motion in my own life.

    There are times that I struggle with panic-lying. I have found that I feel the need to panic-lie when I have a positive relationship with someone. For example, I panic-lied yesterday when my supervisor asked me if I was available to work a shift on my day off. My supervisor is easy-going and would not have been upset if I would have said no. I have said no to my supervisor before, and things continued as normal; however, for whatever reason, I lied about why I was not able to work. This is something that I will continue to improve on.

    All of this to say that we are all works in progress!

 

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