Hey, You Can’t Talk to Me Like That!: How to Be Assertive Without Being an Ass

  

    Catchy title, huh?

    This is what I would call my book on setting boundaries and being assertive if I had the patience to sit down and write one. Since I don’t, welcome to the blog!

    I was raised to be a quiet and meek person. Never offend others, never draw a line in the sand until you’re so angry you can’t hold back anymore. Needless to say, this is not a good way to manage emotions. Why have a massive explosion when you could just say how you feel at the time?

    I feel like I took this way too seriously. There wasn’t anything for me to compare it to, so I didn’t really understand how much it was hurting me. If a friend hurt my feelings, I didn’t address it. I would let that hurt fester and it eventually affected that friendship to the point where I would stop participating in it. It’s not the best idea to ghost people but that was the best I could do at the time. I didn’t have the skills to explain how I was feeling and it wasn’t encouraged anyway. Basically, I just hoped that my friends would never hurt my feelings in a way that I couldn’t handle internally.

    This method didn’t work well, as I’m sure you can imagine, but it didn’t cause me any serious issues before I entered my career.

    My first job in mental health was in 24 hour residential care. It was an apartment type set up, so the clients had some freedom, but had to come to staff for medications. Over time, we lost more and more staff. I found myself working more and more until I was working 4pm-8am, then going home to sleep, and going back to work to do it all over again. This went on for months before I eventually quit.

    Sounds wild, right? No one would actually CHOOSE to do that, would they? If you were me back then, you absolutely would. I didn’t have it in me to say no. I was able to justify it with “well, the clients need you, so suck it up and do what you have to do.” Funnily enough, a strong work ethic coupled with poor boundaries leads to a nightmare of a time.

    If you thought I learned from this, you’re wrong.

    The job I went to after that had a similar problem. More and more staff left with no one being hired in the meantime. Or, more often, they were hired but were not good for the job. That would end in those people being fired and my training time being wasted. I tried to lightly voice my opinions but no one really listened, so I stopped saying anything.

    I’m a friendly person, easy to get along with. This spelled disaster for me, because people could easily use me to do things they didn’t want to do themselves. The first supervisor of the floor was considered a friend of mine. The second supervisor actually was a friend of mine. The first one would urge me to slow down, the second one never did. Neither of them suggested I stop. Eventually, they both quit.

    I moved up in the ranks to floor lead, then the supervisor. I knew that place like the back of my hand. You would if you were there 10 to 18 hours a day, every day. “I’m helping the clients,” I would say to myself. That made it worth it. Watching them grow gave me energy and motivation. I wanted more of that but it came at my own expense. I think that’s the only time Mr. Plant-Powered Therapist ever yelled at me. It certainly got my attention, but I didn’t notice in time.

    The combination of working like this and going to school for my master’s degree triggered my narcolepsy. I was devastated. In a weird way, it was a blessing. If you don’t learn to put the brakes on, your body will do it for you.

        All of a sudden, I was different. I stopped caring about hurting other people’s feelings. If I’m telling the truth and I’m being as unbiased as possible, your hurt feelings are not my fault. Feelings are good and important, but they shouldn’t be a main driver in logical situations like work. If I had something to say, I said it. In a nice way, but to the point, in a way I would have thought was rude before.

    I put these skills to the test against a new supervisor, one of the worst I’ve ever worked with. She asked me to do so many things that were illegal, immoral, and unethical. I would not budge. Despite everything she did to have me fired, nothing ever happened because I was in the right. She ended up quitting too.

    What happened to me? Why was I acting so differently?

    Simple: I learned that there is a big difference between being assertive and being an ass.

    Assertiveness, per the APA’s Dictionary of Psychology, is “an adaptive style of communication in which individuals express their feelings and needs directly, while maintaining respect for others.” Being assertive improves communication, builds self-confidence, reduces stress, promotes healthy relationships, helps with better decision making, allows for personal growth, and encourages mutual respect. It reduces the possibility of others misunderstanding your intentions and allows you to reinforce your boundaries in a respectful way.

    People tend to get assertiveness confused with aggressiveness. Aggression shows disrespect toward the other person, while assertiveness sets a boundary that you refuse to cross.

    You are allowed to say no. Even to your boss. You are allowed to directly ask coworkers and friends why they’ve done something and you are allowed to point out that something is not acceptable. No one is going to respect your boundaries or your time if you don’t hold firm on your beliefs. Anyone can develop these skills with hard work and dedication.

    So, here is my Pathway to Becoming a More Assertive Person. Even though it is only four steps, it’s certainly not easy. This will take work but will ultimately be worth it in the end.

1. Develop self-esteem and confidence while controlling fear and anxiety. Think realistically about yourself and the situation (ex. you’re probably not going to get fired if you tell your boss no). If you work in a bigger company, there is HR and despite what they tell you, at-will states have to have a good reason for firing you. Or else they’ll need to pay out unemployment, and they don’t want to do that. If you would happen to be fired, you know that you went out in the best way: being true to yourself.

2. Obtain as much knowledge as you can. The more you know, the more certain you can be of the decisions you’re making. You’ll be less likely to go back on your decision if you know you are 100% right.

3. Set your boundaries. Decide where you need to draw the line. What are you willing to do and what are you not willing to do? Set boundaries with yourself, too. Maintain emotional regulation and think of things drink a logical perspective only. Remain respectful and as polite as you can be.

4. Don’t back down. Once you set that boundary, hold fast. Do not back down or change your mind. No concessions made. What’s that one Ronald Regan quote? Oh, right. We don’t negotiate with terrorists.

    Being assertive helps you feel more accomplished. If something is a dealbreaker for you, make it known!

  Special thanks to Ashley for the inspiration for this post. Without you, this post would never have been possible and likely would never have been written.